Into Lin's head #8.

Hey there.

I don't intend for this post to be anything too feely.

Just felt like penning it down.

It's more of, for myself, and not so much for anyone else.

But if you do read this completely, somehow, I guess, thank you.

I realised that I've grown to learn something the past year.

I'm not sure if "learn" is even the right word..

Cause it may have become a habit of nature that has grown in me instead.

That thing is explaining myself.

For some reason, I always felt a strong need to explain myself for everything I did or was going to do.

Decisions, mistakes, opinions, everything.

Doesn't matter how big or how small.

I'll always end up trying to explain why I chose to do or think that way.

Maybe it was my newfound way of trying to get people to believe in me.

Maybe it was my newfound way of trying to get myself to believe in me.

Maybe it was my newfound way of trying to get people to stop doubting me.

Maybe it was my newfound way of trying to get myself to stop doubting me

I don't know.

*shrugs*

But over time, I found it completely draining and exhausting.

Having pushed to vomit a reason for everything I chose to do.

And somewhere in that explanation I'm trying to convince them something.

To make them feel better, to make a balance in all our views and whatnot.

I guess that maybe I didn't quite understand that people are different and no matter how much you explain yourself, they wont fully understand why you made that decision, mistake or have that opinion of your own.

Cause it's your own.

And you're entitled to it.

It may be invalid but you have to first acknowledge it yourself.

You don't have to explain yourself all the time.

Sometimes you just make decisions based on what you feel is best for yourself.

And it is completely okay that you make a decision that you feel is best for yourself.

I know that sometimes you want to help as much as you can.

You cannot bear saying no because you know how it feels to struggle.

And honestly I think that is very honorable of you.

But feeling the struggle out of someone else's struggle can be a mad juggle.

But how many times have you said yes and you end up struggling on your own instead?

I wish I was a stronger person who could take so much more.

I really do.

For now..

(Here's yet another thing but)

I'm sorry if I've passed some opportunities given to me.

 (Here I go trying to explain myself again)

I need some time.

I need some rest.

I need some focus.

You know yourself best..

Even when you don't think you do,

I'm pretty sure you're aware of all the moods and all the types of responses and all the types of feels and all the types of persons you can become and turn into.

Even if you don't understand the reason how or why you can become that way,

I'm pretty sure you're aware of yourself in ways no one is aware of.

And in the past year I've felt and watched myself become the person I never, ever, ever would've known I was.

Be it positive or negative.

I've cried, laughed, hit, jumped, smiled and failed at myself.

I've found meaning and lost meaning, and then found it and lost it again.

I've had people be there for me like I never, ever, ever in a million years thought they would, in ways that I've never, ever, ever expected and could never, ever, ever repay.

I've gained confidence and gained self-doubt too.

So give me some time.

While I work on myself.

And fight this doubt towards myself that I never knew I've been having for so long.

On a side note, though.

Thank you to everyone and everything that has been there for me.

Thank you thank you thank you.

On the note of the other side, though.

Feeling a little motivated for this year.

Hope this keeps up.

Du vet jeg elsker deg, virkelig.

Goodbye